What Control Is Really Costing You

Have you ever stopped to think how much energy you're spending trying to control someone else?

Whether it’s trying to change a partner’s habits, micromanage a loved one’s choices, or even subtly influence how others see us. We’re often stuck in a loop of trying to steer things that are not ours to steer. It’s exhausting, and worst of all: it rarely works.

When You’re the One Being Controlled

Before diving into our own controlling tendencies, let’s flip it: remember a time someone tried to control you. Did it work?

For me, growing up, I didn’t exactly fit the mold of the “typical girl.” I was a football-obsessed tomboy with scraped knees and big dreams. That identity didn’t sit well with many people around me. I was told to stop playing, to dress differently, to act “like a girl.” But instead of giving in, I pushed back harder. Their attempts to control me only made me dig deeper into who I was.

Ironically, I think the reason I clung so tightly to football was precisely because no one around me supported it. Every “no” I got felt like fuel to prove them wrong. Their control didn’t change me, it strengthened my resistance.

And isn’t that what usually happens? When someone tries to control us, we don’t feel inspired—we feel unseen, misunderstood, even resentful. We might comply temporarily, but deep down, change never sticks unless it comes from within.

When You’re the One Doing the Controlling

Now flip it back. Think of a time you tried to change someone.

Maybe you wanted your partner to be more emotionally available. Maybe you begged a loved one to quit smoking. Maybe you found yourself managing someone’s diet, their job choices, their attitude.

If you care about someone, it’s natural to want what’s best for them. But trying to control them even if it’s coming from love usually backfires. They resist, they pull away, or they pretend to change just to keep the peace. And we’re left frustrated, disappointed, and drained.

We start believing their choices reflect on us. Their smoking feels like a personal failure. Their inaction becomes our burden. And slowly, we lose control—not of them, but of ourselves.

The Truth About Control

Here’s the hard truth: we can’t control other people.

We can’t control what they think, what they choose, or how they live. What we can control is how we respond. What we believe. How we show up. And how we process our emotions when things don’t go our way.

When we let go of control, we reclaim peace. When we stop trying to change others, we finally get to focus on ourselves, our growth, our boundaries, our emotional freedom.

The “Let Them” Principle

Mel Robbins shared a powerful concept that stuck with me: “Let them.”

It’s simple, but it’s life-changing.

If someone wants to smoke, let them. If they make a choice you wouldn’t make, let them. If they reject your advice, let them.

And instead of spiraling, ask yourself: What can I control in this moment? My words. My thoughts. My energy. My response.

“Let them” doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop tying your inner peace to someone else’s actions. You stop trying to carry a weight that was never yours to begin with.

Let them. And let yourself be free.